Listening to: Just wanna be friends - David Tao

Psyching myself up for yet another work week. Vesak day's on Wednesday. That's part of my motivation. Maybe you will think that it's pretty unhealthy to think this way but I bet a lot of working people think this way. This month will be a busy one but I can look forward to a break of some sort in July. I hope.

Life is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Too beautiful to think this way.

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Listening to: Intuition - Jewel

Used to think this song sounds real bad. Now it sounds okay to me. I like that heck care attitude. Yay! Hahahahaha. Gasp, I just realised I have stuff by Hilary Duff. Wooo. Hohoho. How did it ever get on my computer?

Sigh. I sound crazy even to myself.

Okay, I went back to work yesterday and will be going back tomorrow. Still can't finish the darned thing. Worked till eight p.m. and couldn't finish again.

I was just very, very sian and decided to go out even though I didn't know where to go. Tried my luck and messaged WW. Would meet at around 9 p.m. at Orchard. So I had an hour to eat dinner. Took the MRT down to Bugis Junction and ate at Yoshinoya.

I think they were playing Kiroro's music- this rather upbeat tune. While I faced the wall and chewed my food slowly, it felt rather good. I was spending some time in a fast-food joint with myself and my mind was just focused on eating, listening and eating. No more work to bother me.

After that, I went to the gift shops to have a look. Took the same train as WW to Orchard. I was at one end, he was at the other. Together we walked down to Lido with no intention of catching any movie. Just wanted to know what was screening. It was rather fun when we made our way down to Borders at Wheelock Place. At the children's section, there was this lot of soft toys which looked rather funny. Pooh toys which didn't look like the ones we know from the cartoons, dolls with funny faces and bears in ghastly shades. For a while, we were just digging out weirder and weirder toys. That was rather fun.

After that, we pretty much just settled down at Lido in front of the scren where we talked for a good two to three hours. Took turns to go to the toilet a few times because WW bought two large Cokes. Thereafter, we walked down to somewhere near Meridien/Cuppage and bought cup noodles from 711 to eat at the roadside. It was around 1 plus. It reminded me of the time in Junior College where we slept at the bus-stop during Student Leader's Camp.

After that, we walked down to City Hall. Passed by Singapore Arts Museum and it felt rather spooky. There was music playing at close to 2 a.m. in the morning.

Around the time when we got to Raffles City, we got a cab and set off for home.

Thanks WW. I'm so glad you're my friend.

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Today I slept the whole day away. I'm just so, so, so tired. Oh yar, G got second upper. I'm so glad for him!

I miss PL.

Life is as usual. The race was really tiring but we had some fun running around and doing stupid things. One of the tasks was taking a picture of 20 Indians. (not being racist --just that it's too easy to get 20 Chinese in a picture). In the end, we passed by the Indian temple at Chinatown and tada, we got our 20 Indians. Not in the temple but on the temple itself. If you know what the temple looks like, it has got so many Indians on its roof. Okay, the Indian Gods lah. Hahahaha. Other than that, when we got to Changi Airport, the task was to put a garland around a tourist's neck. The garland was bought from the temple and it smelled strongly of jasmine. By the time we got to Changi Airport, it was almost dying.

Well, it wasn't that easy to find that one tourist. =)

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It's been a really tough week. The other day someone asked me what I was actually busy with. I couldn't really explain. It's like just being busy with a lot of small things so much so that when I think back, I don't know what I was really spending my time on. Haven't had a proper dinner at home this whole week because of working late. Tomorrow, I shall have to drag myself to work (it's my off day). Couldn't meet a deadline. I'm pretty much drained. It's taking a toll on me and I feel I'm losing weight. That is quite bad.

That aside, I don't like the new American Idol. She screeches. Sure, she's versatile but her voice just annoys me.

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Talked to SF the other night. SF is one person who talks so direct that sometimes it can be quite funny. Like he said he was desperate and he worries about his sperm quality. This year he turns 27.

It set me thinking for a while. Am I ever going to fall in love? Will I ever know what is the feeling of being able to share my life with someone I truly love, do things like decorating a home I can call ours, looking at my own child...? It doesn't seem very possible at this point in time.

Will life be complete without having a family of your own?

On taking a break.

So I'm taking leave tomorrow for the More Amazing Race. I don't know what exactly I feel. Am I relieved that I'm finally taking a break or am I feeling too exhausted to be really able to enjoy anything?

Been staying back especially late this whole week. Nearly got locked out of the office just now after throwing some rubbish at the lobby. Joined TG and MS at Citylink for a brief chat and snack before heading home.

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These days I've been thinking. Maybe it's finally time to move on.

Too many things to write.

It's been quite some time since I last wrote in here. Blogger has a new look; it even has commenting functions now so I think I may be deleting the haloscan function soon.

The upgrading works at home are almost done. I was finally able to wash some clothes yesterday. In fact, I spent most of the afternoon handwashing a lot of stuff and I still have a basket of clothes for the washing machine to wash.

Have been really tired. There are so many things swirling around in my mind. I dream of work and people at work more often. This week will be a tough one. Next week it will be tougher.

I need a break.

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So La Toya got eliminated. It will be Jasmine's turn next week.

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In the afternoon, Mom and I were in the kitchen moving things around. Last evening, she had used the hose from the bathroom to flood the kitchen floor and the result was sparkling clean. This morning, it was dirty again, thanks to our neighbours who just had their ceilings drilled. Nevermind.

Well, we ended up moving the dining table around. After that, we sat there and chatted. Actually it was just me sitting there while she stood somewhere near the sink. I can't remember what we were talking about, just that it was the usual stuff. I just thought that it felt really nice; my sitting there and she standing there. It's just this cosy feeling of being together.

Mom and I have never been that close friends. We never traded secrets, shared our heartache, talked about my dreams. She has never patted my head or praised me for anything. It's just funny because I know she does kiss my sister and strokes her head sometimes but never me. I had never asked why. I used to think that she disliked me but I slowly grew to understand.

Every morning without fail, as I wait for the lift outside the home, she would stand by the door and watch me as I get into the lift. Only after that, she would walk back into the house. Or the time when it rained and she took off her slippers to walk barefooted while I wore her slippers to take the school bus. Or that act of tidying my sleeve and collar when we got out of home in a rush. Love can be as simple as that. There are the little things you often take for granted.

Do you truly understand what it means to be a mother? Or what Mother's Day means other than buying flowers or presents?

Happy Mother's Day! =)

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Last night, Ast was saying that she had bought "The Lovely Bones" to read. Read that Peter Jackson is going to direct the movie.

Will write more later.

The upgrading is driving my mom to nag at us every night. Right now, she is talking to my ex-tutor and complaining about the works. It's really bad, I tell you. The whole place looks like shit now, our temporary toilet is like shit, the workers are doing a shitty job. Sorry for the shit.

Needless to say, I have been in a shitty mood. Tired. Tired. Tired. I need a break. Been working late everyday again and when I come home, I can't even have a moment of peace.

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As usual, I was looking around on the bus to work. Saw this lady reading the obituaries section in the newspaper for a long time. Hmm. I used to read that section but someone (I can't remember who) told me not to. He had said "What for? Look at dead people for what?".
Actually I don't understand. Isn't it for others to read if you get something published, even if it's an obituary? Just that people think it's weird to look at them if it doesn't concern you.

There are all sorts of obituaries. Those with old faces. Young faces. Age 90+. Age 2. Big ones for important people. Small ones for remembering those passed on years ago. Some with a lot of love in the words; in the form of psalms. Some others which just have the usual "remembered fondly by all at home". All to remember people who had mattered and still matter to those living.

What kind of obituary would you want to have when you are no longer living?

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People forget easily. It can be a good thing or a bad thing.

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I am okay. Just feeling tired. I miss my friends.

Currently listening to: I'll never get over you(getting over me)-Expose

Got back not too long ago from meeting the mentors. Forgetting that Nicoll Highway was closed, I took bus service 10 with my colleague and we alighted somewhere not very near Suntec City. Took a brisk walk down to Suntec where I met the rest at Kenny Rogers for dinner. Was already about eight close to nine when I reached so I was already half full from the hunger.

Cloud, J and G were there when I reached. KL had already gone by then (he is probably cycling on some expressway now). After dinner, we went off to Fullerton Hotel where we couldn't get any seats anywhere. Walked down to One Fullerton where we had drinks and cake at Baker's Inn.

I didn't talk much as usual. Was thinking quite a lot about what they were saying. Our reasons for volunteering with SMP even though we knew nobody in there. G's realization that life wasn't just about materialistic pursuits. J competently coping with life's little twists. Although PL, cloud and I didn't really talk much, I believe each of us found the conversation tonight rather meaningful. While waiting with PL for the cab home, I mentioned that it was rather heartening to hear that G had finally realised what happiness truly meant to him.

What does happiness mean to you?

What does happiness mean to me? I have been thinking this through so many times. Happiness to me is when my family is healthy, both physically, mentally and financially. Happiness is when people around me find happiness, be it in the form of marital union, finding a good job or knowing what they truly want in life. Happiness is also simplicity. A baby's smile, an old couple walking hand in hand, beautiful weather.......

One of the best things about mentoring then was that I found out how it felt to care for someone when my heart was in shreds. While I cared for someone else, I slowly recovered. It made me believe that I was still capable of giving, that happiness was really a matter of choice and that no one could ever take it away from me if I didn't want to. This belief does waver from time to time but I did become stronger than I was, in order to be brave for someone else then.

Looking at the kids, it made me grateful for what I had. I began to appreciate even more that giving wasn't about wanting something concrete back in return.