Some kind of epiphany.
When I was in primary school, there was one mathematics exam which I was very confident of doing well in. I was looking forward to the day when the papers would be returned to us. When that day came, the teacher read aloud the names of the students who got 100% and they went forward to collect the scripts. One after another, the students were called and none of those names were mine. I was a little disappointed when the last name was read and I didn't get 100%. So I hoped that I got something close to full marks and one after another, the scripts were collected. The disappointment grew. The marks fell lower and lower and still, my name wasn't called.
Then I felt that it was ridiculous that I should have scored less than 70+ points. Just then, the teacher said that she missed out one script where 100 points was scored.
That script was mine. I remembered this as I was bathing just now. It's funny how something like that can come to mind because of something that happened today.
At around 3+ p.m. on 28 February '06, my sup came to my cubicle. I thought she had some case to discuss with me and I turned to face her. She said something about a letter my colleague received. When I didn't know what she was talking about, she realised that I didn't know what happened.
My colleague, who's a good friend of mine, got promoted. Despite being ranked the same, I was passed over for promotion while she got it. To quote my sup, it was due to her being older. As in, she's not young anymore.
My sup sat there expectantly, waiting for me to say something.
I didn't know what came over me but I think I said what I really felt. I said the chinese equivalent of "This is the kind of thing that happens over here." I couldn't face her and just started chewing on my chicken pie, which I bought because I didn't eat much for lunch. Seeing that, she went back to work.
I couldn't breathe properly. I cannot explain the disbelief and anger I felt. The emotions were boiling inside.
I slowed myself. I thought over it. I couldn't get over it. I tried to concentrate on my work. I sent an email to my assistant whom I knew I could trust and she would understand. She sent a kind note back.
I managed to get work done. I even managed to speak to a difficult customer patiently and thoroughly, and I put up his case for him. I finished what I couldn't finish the day before. But whenever I had a spare moment to think, I felt choked. I wanted to run to the toilet to let it out. But I was too angry. Too proud. I stayed in my seat and before long, it was knock-off time. People went off, leaving three of us. I confided in my direct subordinate, who's also a friend. Then I went off with the other two to have dinner and to buy a recorder. We talked over dinner and I had a good time talking to them about these issues and funny funny stuff. I felt more relaxed.
When I was going home, I felt really alone. Got home and switched on the computer straightaway. Talked to friends online. Then the tears came. This time round, no one's going to tell me that it was a mistake and I actually got 100%. This time round, it was as if my script was deliberately marked down because of some silly excuse. Like for example, forgetting to write my class number or my script had dog ears.
CJWD mentioned that "we build strength and confidence when we leave our comfort zone"and it may be time to face new challenges. Mau said that "the company, the management is not credible as a solid, justifiable one, that's why you shld reconsider if you wanna stay". Nut could emphathize with me as he knew what it felt like, being in my shoes before. Z told me to cool down.
I could draw these two conclusions from the conversations I had today. Either leave the job or continue working hard as there'll be more opportunities and they'd recognise me some day. Yes, I'd continue working hard because that's what I'm paid to do. I won't let this affect my work but it's going to affect how I view the management. I won't be happy when I do get a promotion. Because they already ruined it for me. I wouldn't be getting it because I deserved it but because I would be "due for promotion". They'd give it to me because I missed the boat this year. Crap.
What kind of respect can I give these people? People who tell me I did so well, that I would be rewarded. I tell myself that maybe they did try their best but hey, something went wrong somewhere and I don't believe that it was not in their power to change things or they had zero responsibility for this happening. The reason I heard today was the most unbelievable reason I expected. I wouldn't have felt such disappointment had they just told me that I wasn't as good. I would have just gone on and go to work tomorrow feeling like everything's normal.
So I think I can only choose to leave. Once I know where I should be heading towards, I'll just take flight.
Isn't it so laughable? I think I suddenly realised that hey, I'm so stupid. Why am I still here? Why am I still taking all this shit?
I'm tired of fighting.
