Verbal diarrhoea.

It's a colleague's last day of work today. My lunch partner. My friend. She's one of the dinosaurs, having been with the workplace for about six or seven years (I can't remember). I have never seen her lose her temper in the three years I've been there. Amazing. Anyway, I am wondering if she's still at her workstation trying to clear her stuff. Maybe she's still shredding papers.

I wonder when it's my turn. As I was walking to the bus stop after we said our goodbyes, I felt rather upset. It's not so much of "when can I stop doing all these shitty stuff" but rather "I'll miss your presence here. We work well together. You're a great person to work with and be friends with". It felt like.. school. Like in council. When things had to end. I remembered the investiture of the 23rd council. I couldn't control myself and cried on stage and when pinning the badge onto my junior's collar. It's like, no matter how hard it was, you appreciated the company of those around you. Those who fought with you, listened to you and shared with you. And when you had to part, you feel like you are leaving some part of you behind. You're giving part of your heart away. You do not just want the memories. I don't know if it makes sense to you but to me, today, I suddenly realised that maybe I am not strong enough to just move on like that. The thought of people leaving, or the thought of me leaving them, makes me catch my breath.

I'm not strong enough. Not brave enough.

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I don't write much in here anymore. Not sure who's reading what. Nobody leaves comments. I have things I want to remember but I forget them by the time I come home. Or I'm too tired to write. Or I can't get started because I have a mental block. Then I think too much about how open I should be with my thoughts. Should I just continue to write superficial stuff in here and be vague about what I really feel? And have the few rare entries where I write about some unhappy things which I have tried so hard to not write about.

Well, I have stopped thinking of of all these because it doesn't matter anymore. Like now, the words come to me fast and I just keep typing without thinking too much. I think I'll just keep on typing whatever comes to me. I'll stop thinking of whether I want the blog to not contain this and that and blah. I'll just be making it difficult for me to start writing something.