Last night, I couldn't get to sleep as usual. In the dead of the night, I went to the window. It's almost funny how I automatically leaned against the window grille using my forehead, standing at an angle to the floor. Then I looked up.

It seems like not too long ago that I was at the same window looking out at the vast sky. When I was younger, someone had told me that people were transformed into stars in the sky when they pass away. So whenever I felt down, I always stood at that spot, looking out for a star in a certain part of the sky. Then I talked to it. I told it my dreams, my aspirations. I prayed silently. What I didn't realise then was that stars die too. I had thought that the star I had seen previously would be the same star I saw since they appeared in the same location.

Last night, I smiled at my stupidity then; I saw the picture of an earnest child closing her eyes, forehead against the same window grille and praying. The child was me.

I haven't stood there in a long time. I had forgotten why I like star-gazing so much until last night. Maybe that's why I jumped with excitement when I saw Mars two years back. Or when I marvelled at the stars when we were at ubin. Things have changed, I have changed. I've forgotten a lot of things, some of my dreams have died but I guess I still have the same hope I had then. At least I hope so. Some things don't change, do they?

Today, I was supposed to go down to school to help out with the fair. Last-minute change of plans rendered me useless so I didn't need to go down to school anymore. Called off the dinner appointment I had with TG late in the afternoon. MS asked if I was going to the meeting TG was going to. I wasn't.

He said that it was good since I will have more time for myself. I replied that it made no difference since I already have a lot of time on my hands. There, I ended the smses with a smiley and here I am two hours later, typing away at my keyboard.

Two months ago, some of us from the camp crew were still meeting up to play sports every week. We had been playing badminton since the start of the year and the numbers have dwindled to less than ten. To be exact, it became just five of us. I remember the last badminton session we had at Tanglin CC. Five of us ended up pigging out at a nearby centre and then we had ice-cream at Macdonalds. Then there was the last squash session we had in school. Down to four people. Ended up pigging out again at Geylang (the yummy beef hor fun and the tow hway) and then checking out the meat market.

Then it became just the three of us. TG, MS and I. We didn't play any more sports except for once when we went cycling. Anyway, we always ended up pigging out together so there was no point. From then on, it was just food, arcade games and movies. We had grand plans like visiting one jazz place every week, going to Marina to fly kites and checking out the babes at Changi Village. Those fell through as MS went back to school. TG will also be busy with school and eca as the new semester commences. Well, it's starting to show; we haven't been able to catch "Charlie's Angels" or "City of God" even though we have tried to organise a movie outing numerous times. The last time we tried, we ended up just eating cake at Coffee Express because the timing was bad. Time is really against us.

As we grow up, we suddenly become busier people.
"No, I can't make it this Saturday evening. I have a dinner appointment." Or
"Sunday? I've got to go to church and then finish my projects." Or
"Nah, this week I can't make it. Have hall meetings." Or
"Err, need to keep my girlfriend/boyfriend/family company. Been neglecting her/him/them." Or
"Very tired lah. Need to catch up on sleep. Sorry, go out another time?"

And the list goes on.

As we become busier, we prioritize. As we prioritize, we relegate some people. As we relegate some people, they inevitably disappear from our lives. More often than not, I'm one of those relegated and it's pretty sad. Maybe it's retribution.

I miss being busy. Ah, how we contradict ourselves sometimes.

Starting from the 27th, SBS changed and removed some of its redundant bus routes after the opening of the NEL. I used to be able to take two buses directly to my workplace but now I'm only left with one. These two days, I haven't been able to get on that bus. Yesterday, I was left feeling angry at my stupidity (never had the foresight to expect more people taking the bus) and late.

So today, I got to the bus stop earlier than usual hoping that I could board a less crowded bus. I was wrong. Although I was there earlier, the bus was as crowded as yesterday and I decided not to board that bus. I waited to take another bus which doesn't go direct to my workplace. That meant I had to walk quite a distance. Nevermind. It was actually quite fun since the bus went to town. I was actually in town on a weekday morning! Cheap thrill you may say. Heh. So I'll be in town everyday. Albeit on a bus.

I went out with an ex-colleague today. Talked about a lot of things but mostly about being unemployed. She was lamenting on how she felt being unemployed and wondering when she would get a full-time job again. Although these have been constantly bugging me these days, I'm trying to take it easy. I remember reading an article on the ST forum about this man being unemployed and being humbled by the experience. He has learned to make the best of his situation and is spending more time with his loved ones instead of the paper chase.

I'm also trying to think positively like him. It's fine so far. At least I haven't been really sad over the failed interview although I still have that little hope in me that they may contact me soon.

It's this hope in me which refuses to die off. I contradict myself all the time by saying to my mom and colleagues, "Aiyah, sure can't make it. This is the fourth week and they said they would contact me in two weeks. I was lousy at the interview.", but secretly I'm thinking "Sigh, maybe they have been too busy. Maybe they will contact me when they're done with interviewing everyone. I was lousy at the interview but maybe, it wasn't that lousy?" Want to kill myself sometimes.

On the way home from the outing, I was on a non-airconditioned bus. It was like a roller coaster; the bus driver was driving at a very high speed and the air was moving fast, blowing my hair around and inertia didn't stop me from moving as the bus rumbled along furiously. I think I last had this kind of bus ride when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I refused to sit down in non-airconditioned buses because there were always cockroaches moving around on the seats and floor. It annoyed my mom to see me stubbornly standing for approximately an hour because of cockroaches. I can't help it. Some people have their eyes trained to look out for good looking people but mine have always looked out for the small creepy crawlies and flies. Or rather they keep looking out for me. Like today, when I was eating sushi with her, something flew near my eye. I was thinking "what the hell was that flying around in Sakae Sushi" and was sort of shocked by it since it covered half of my vision in my right eye. I waved it off frantically and said it was huge! She said "but it's only a housefly?" and I said "Yes, but it flew so near to my eye I couldn't see what it was". Scary.

Chinatown. I have this curious connection to this place where I have been working close to three years now. After the exams four years ago, I worked in a travel agency in that area briefly before I moved on to somewhere else. Then fate brought me back to that area and I worked in a different environment. It's like I've come a full circle from where I started. It's been a part of my growing up, part of my life.

It's been four long years. Chinatown has changed a lot; the opening of the Food Street, the opening of the NE line, even People's Park Centre was given a new coat of paint last week. In the meantime, there have been various ups and downs. Friends have come and gone, close ones passed away; people coming into my life and going away for no reason. Yet, it feels the same somewhat. It's the permanence in impermanence that has not changed.