Tagore, birds, dogs and smells.

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Do you know where to find the english equivalent?

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As I was walking to the MRT station today, there were birds flying around as usual. One landed particularly near my feet and I deliberately walked very near to make it take flight. It led me to think about how I used to do that when I was younger and the birds would always fly away very fast, never allowing me to get too near them. Today, the bird didn't. Actually not just today; these days, birds don't seem to be afraid of my walking too near them.

Have I changed my way of walking or have the birds become less fearful nowadays?

Anyway, I saw this guy on a wheelchair wheeling himself in the direction of a block of flats where there was a dog barking very loudly. In the first place, I had already avoided walking near that block because I was afraid of the dog. When we got chased by dogs at Ubin, someone said that dogs can smell our fear. Another friend once said that dogs don't usually attack unless you invade their territory. What if the guy on the wheelchair got scared? Will the dog pounce on him and bite him? I wonder if dogs can recognise that the guy couldn't move like a normal person and let him off. Can't imagine if I am wheelchair-bound and a dog attacks me because I am scared and accidentally invaded its territory.

Oh well, I just walked on and before long, I got to the station. After getting into the train, I sat down and looked around like I normally did. The train started moving and the air in the train moved. The wind carried along with it a familiar smell. This smell of some perfume or whatever it is. The smell of someone. Have you experienced this before?

Many times I have caught that scent; many times I had tried to muster enough courage to go up to the person and ask what the brand is but never managed to do so. It is just too embarrassing to do so. Sometimes the scent confuses me. It can be a very distinct, "Yes, this is THE scent" or it can be, "Let me try to catch more whiffs of that to confirm". After all the trouble, the person leaves the place and I wonder when I would get another chance to identify the scent.

The scent of someone. It is as if the moment you smell it, you return to the past when you were still in contact with that person. It brings back a whole lot of memories. For example the smell of hair cream. Whenever I smell anything vaguely similar to what my babysitter's husband used, I remember the sight of him many years ago, combing the white coloured cream into his hair in front of the mirror. The cream disappearing into his hair while I curiously looked up. Then we would go "gai3 gai2" after he finished combing his hair. The trips where I would get to ride on those machines which moved when you slotted 20 cents in. Where he would order a cup of kopi-o and pour a little onto the saucer where I would drink from. When he was still strong. In my mind, I will always want to remember the times when he was still healthy. Not the time when he was weak in hospital and looking like someone I could not recognise. Or the time when he left us for good.

Oh well. Some memories you want or tend to forget. However, they come back when you least expect them to. With something as ephemeral as a smell from a stranger.

So, another week has quietly passed. What does the next week hold for me?

Friends who are still at university are slogging very hard to meet their deadlines. Even though I very much wish that I am still a student, part of me is secretly glad that I don't have to face the struggles of having to work with free-riders for projects, burning the midnight oil to finish essays and tabulate statistical data and citing references in the required-very-mafan format.

Those days of lugging my very heavy friend to the library and sitting there for long hours alone will no longer be. I have this especially exciting memory of bringing my friend along to the toilet and as the library toilet cubicle had only a very narrow ledge available to hold it, I was there raising my arms to protect against it falling onto me while I was in the cubicle. It was rather late, around nine p.m. close ten. I was already going home and the toilet was my last stop before I went to take the bus. As I washed my hands, I was afraid to look into the mirror. Alone in the toilet, with flushing sounds accompanying me even when I was already out of the cubicle, I rushed out as fast as I could.

*Remembers fondly and laughing at my silliness.*

Maybe I should meet up with those friends who chose to pursue their honours. Should have a lot to talk about. I miss them. Especially Zhen and Shi.

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Upon recommendation from my cousin, I bought this chocolate from neuhaus. Compared to the mars bar i had about a month ago, this is great stuff!

Have you ever had this urge to tell someone, "Let's start all over again?".

Starting all over again, even if you have the opportunity to do so, is never really starting all over again. It is just like rubbing off pencil writings on a piece of paper; even when you think that you have tried your best in rubbing off all the pencil marks, when you lift the paper up against the light and scrutinise the surface, the paper will never be as smooth as a fresh piece. If you try rubbing too hard, the paper may even tear.

Will you?

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Just read this: "Major US rock group Linkin Park has been given the go-ahead to perform in Malaysia -- as long as they cover themselves from chest to knee, don't leap about on stage and are not 'raunchy'."

I wonder how they are going to perform. Sit down and sing? Stand straight and move like those singing ballads? Cannot leap about on stage? Yawns.

Listening to Sandy Lam~��?ݑ�X�I?��q

Bad hair days ahead; Record number of viewing one's head in the mirror.

As long as it doesn't turn out worse than looking like a shaggy dog.

So I got the haircut. Now I look like my head is bigger than it should be. I look overly mature and I'm not happy. I feel happier looking like a shaggy dog. When the hairdresser finished cutting, I didn't like the look at all. I was screaming inside, "Can you cut it shorter and change the whole hairstyle??" but I only managed a "Can you cut this a bit shorter?". He said that the ends would curl upwards if it were shorter. I then gave a forced smile, said thanks and asked for directions to the toilet after paying. In the toilet, I looked at the mirror. Still felt unhappy.

At the bus stop, the bus seemed to take hours to reach. I wanted to reach home as fast as possible. When I finally got home, my mom said, "Har? Looks like the person only cut your fringe." The next thing I did was to go and take a good, close look in the mirror. Nopes, it didn't look any more appealing to me than at the public toilet. I still looked as toot as ever. Sitting in front of the mirror, I combed my hair in all directions hoping to find a way to make it look better but to no avail.

Right now, I am sitting in front of the computer with my fringe clipped up. I can still smell the nice shampoo smell emanating from my hair and like I told Dan just now, I hope that when I wake up tomorrow, it will suddenly look better. If not. There's no if not.

What do you do when you have a bad haircut?

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Nut showed me a link to a newspaper article. The name mentioned in the article was familiar. The picture of the person looked familiar and the age was correct. There, this guy from my my jc now drives some second-hand Nissan dunno-what series because he likes it and can afford to pay a 1000 dollars instalment every month. When I commented that he was quite a nice person back in jc, Nut said that he sounds big-headed and over-idealistic since he's not even graduated and already wants to buy a private apartment next.

Yawns. Perhaps it's that important to him to own a car he likes and he's willing to pay and work very hard for it. To him, that's the best way to spend the money he earns. What about you; would you give work so hard everyday to pay a 1000 dollars instalment for a car every month? I guess most of us would find alternative ways to spend or save the money. I would.

So it's the beginning of yet another week. Time seems to pass faster than when I was still in school. I'm also more conscious of the fact that I'm growing older every single day. Recalling this sentence by my discipline master in secondary school, "We're stepping deeper into our graves every second."

What will I be doing this week? I'll be getting a haircut. Even if I am contented looking like a shaggy dog, I have to bother because I have to look presentable enough for interviews. Ah, the next thing to worry about is what hairstyle I want. For the past few years, I have always told the hairdresser to choose a hairstyle for me. I don't know why; I've been to a few hairdressers now and all of them gave me a similar hairstyle in the end. My colleague was saying, "Ah Qiong (she says I am like Ah Qiong in Zhen1 Qing2, bleah.) ah, you always cut the same hairstyle. Change your image lah!"

What will I say this time? Most probably the same old thing. Afterall, it's just a haircut. As long as it doesn't turn out worse than looking like a shaggy dog.

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Listening to "It's not easy to be me". Superman sounds sad. It's not easy to be him. Having to fly in a funny red sheet. Having to lie about a home he doesn't have.

You can all sleep sound tonight. I'm not crazy or anything.

It's not easy to be me.

Mindless. Decipher. Waste of energy.

Have you ever made someone cry before?

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Good news turned bad news. Something unfinished. Getting to know you. Forgetting someone else. Finding new direction. Willing myself to hang on. Bridging hearts. Believing yet not totally believing.

A summary of my life this week.

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I watched the show today. Okay, I made a mistake; the guy turns to the right whereas the girl turns to the left. =) All in all, it wasn't very impressive. Other than Aniki's good looks, some nice music, hilarious (and absolutely embarrassing) scenes by Edmund Chen, it was quite disappointing. Especially the ending. Anyway maybe it's just me. I don't feel touched. Maybe I would have been.

No longer.

We can.

"...We can, do the impossible
We have the power in our hands and we won't stop
Cos we've got to make a difference in this life
With one voice, one heart, two hands, we can.."

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Heard this on radio today and found it quite uplifting. It also reminded me of the time in jc when we had our student leaders camp. My mom had strongly discouraged me from going but I never regretted. During that camp, our group's motto was "Nothing is impossible". That faith carried me through all the way until I passed my supplementary exams which was the criterion for me to be promoted to year two. Maybe I just need a little more of the faith I had back then. When I felt all odds were against me. What I had in my mind everyday was just "Nothing is impossible".

Because I have the power in my hands. I have to make a difference in this one life I have. With one voice, one heart, two hands, I know I can. =)

Haven't looked at the moon. Have you? Is it round? Can you see the rabbit? I never managed to see the shape of the rabbit.

So it's the 15th day of the 8th month. It's the time to be reunited with loved ones. How many of you are going to carry lanterns, eat mooncakes and just sit down somewhere to look at the moon?

I don't think I'm going to do any of those. Have eaten some mooncakes these few weeks but haven't got any lantern to play with. Maybe I'll just take a look at the moon tomorrow. What about you?

It's been a long time since I last carried a lantern. When I was small, it was always fun to carry lanterns on the night of the festival. There was one year when my tuition pals and I gathered to carry lanterns together at the playground. That was the most enjoyable mooncake festival I had. As I grew up, I no longer carried lanterns every year. When I got to secondary school, I stopped carrying them. It seemed to me that it wouldn't ever be as enjoyable as that night my khakis and I were together.

A few years ago, I changed my mind. Thought that I could maybe relive some memories and bought myself a paper lantern, preparing to carry it. Nevermind that I was already much older than the other kids at the playground. In the end, my mom said I was crazy to want to play with lanterns at my age. Can't remember if I eventually went down to the playground; I think I didn't.

Are we ever too old for anything? Like the other day PL was telling me her friend was saying we're too old for chalets. Hmm. Do things have to be that way; why do we restrict ourselves so much, in our words, our thoughts, our actions?

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There have been a lot of poems written on the moon. Back in JC, I had learned some in my chinese literature classes and they left a deep impression. Not that I can remember offhand now but it's on transience and eternity. How the moon had set sight upon and shone its light on so many beings, how many mortals have gazed upon it and have ceased to exist; in a few decades time, I too will cease to exist but the moon will still be shining brightly.

Just found one of them. Enjoy!

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Listening to ~Same Side of the moon~Corrinne May

An entry dedicated to dear Daniel

Thinking that my friend Daniel was going back this morning, I told him last night to take care. He said "Yup, you too!" and that was it. Felt a bit bad for not even asking, "How about we send you off at the airport again?" but I thought he would be happier to not see us at the airport since we were quite "extra" last year for going to the airport without telling him. Anyway, I was there just talking to p when Daniel's icq contact blinked on my list. I blinked too and thought, hey, the plane doesn't reach the states that fast right? How come he's online? Then I thought, maybe that's someone else using the computer or something. After some time, the curiosity was overwhelming and my itchy hands sent this message, "Hello, is this Daniel?". He replied "No I'm not. Are you e-y?" and asked "What kind of question is that?" So lao kui. =P

Anyway, he's probably spending his last hours in Singapore this year talking to his family and won't be online now.

So hey, here's wishing you a safe trip back. A lot of things will happen in one year's time and I wish you all the best in this span of one year. More and more As for you, you mugger!=) In the meantime, remember to look out for anyone named kitty. Tell me when you do. I will too!

I say thanks. For everything.

Thank you for teaching me how to play chess, for the yahoo games that few friends would ever spare time to play with me, listening to me talk rubbish and sharing your weirdness. As for birdshit, it's highly unlikely that birdshit will fall on my head (I'll tell you when either of both possible scenarios ever happens) in this one year. However, I'm not the somebody up there in the sky so I can't say for sure. What I can say for sure is birdshit exists and it doesn't come in huge quantities so demand is always greater than supply when the time is not right. If I didn't get it wrong (again!), good news is the same. Good news exists and it doesn't come in huge quantities so demand is always greater than supply when the time is not right. Good news or not, bird shit or not, wake up with a smile everyday; enjoy the fresh air and surroundings. Take more pictures. Explore more beautiful places. Beauty is ephemeral but beauty in photos lasts as long as the photos last.

Till then, my friend. Till we meet again.

Walk to the left, walk to the right.

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��� ���� ���뿪 ����ij��ij���ѹ�4 Hearing the leaving of winter, I woke up in some month of some year.
���� �ҵ� ���ڴ� δ4ȴ������˰��� I think, I wait, I anticipate. However, the future cannot be planned like this.

���� ���� ������ δ4��һ�����ڵȴ� Cloudy day, Evening, Outside the car window. There is a person waiting in the future
���� ���� ��ǰ�� ��Ҫ�ռ������4 To the left, to the right, look to the front, love will have to make a few rounds before beckoning.

�����˭ ��������Ķ԰� Who do I meet? What kind of dialogue will we have?
�ҵȵ��� ���ڶ�Զ��δ4 The person I am waiting for, how far away in the future is he?
������ 4�Ե�����˺� I hear the wind, it comes from the subway and the human crowd
�����Ŷ� ���Ű��ĺ����� I line up, taking a queue number for love

����ǰ�� �ɹ�һƬʱ�亣 I fly forward, flying over an expanse of sea of time
����Ҳ�� �ڰ��������˺� We too once had been hurt in love
�ҿ���· �ε�����е�խ I look at the road, the entrance to my dream is a little narrow
������� ������������� I met you, it is the most beautiful accident
����һ�� �ҵ��ص׻�⿪ There will come a day, my answer will unveil

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So, this movie will be screening on Wednesday. Finally! Have been waiting for a really long time to watch it with PL. For those who don't know what this movie is about, it's a love story. About how sometimes fate plays games on us. You could be walking left all your life and the love of your life will walk right. The person could be right beside you and you never know. It's about two people who lived in the same complex but who never got to meet each other. For the guy always walked to the left and the girl always walked to the right. One day, they met and spent a wonderful day together in the park. However, it started to rain and both of them gave each other a slip of paper with their numbers written on them. When they parted ways and got home, they kept waiting for the other person to call but little did they know that both the notes were wet from the rain and the ink was smudged.

So they waited and waited. I don't know how the story will end. Will it end like in the online version?

There were quite a lot of people in the lift. After upgrading, the lift has become very much smaller. I was hoping that it would reach the first storey soon but there was yet another neighbour getting into the lift. We squeezed a little to accomodate her. I was knocked on the head by her hand. The first time I got knocked, I thought it was just that she was trying to make herself a little more comfortable. Then I realised that she actually had enough room. I got a little annoyed when she knocked on my head the second time. Luckily by then, we were already on the first storey but anyway, I would have most probably kept quiet about it. Not that I would have made a big fuss out of it unlike some other person who got really uptight about this "intrusion" of personal space.

Who is this person? It was this foul-tempered woman who sat beside me on the bus one day when I was in lower secondary. I was just reading the New Paper and it tickled her. The edges of the paper just touched her a bit on the arms for a few seconds and she said loudly, "Can you move further away?!" I was shocked. I was wondering why she was so nasty to me. Maybe she had a bad day or she was having PMS. Whatever it is, she made me remember her. A foul-tempered stranger who scolded me for tickling her arms.

I walked to the very end of the platform hoping to get a good seat on the train today. First thought was, "Wow, so empty! Great!" Upon sitting down, I realised that there was a PDMM talking really loudly to an old man beside her. Throughout the whole journey, she was talking like there wasn't anyone else on the train. Nevermind, someone else caught my attention. Click, click, click. Fell, fell, fell. Sweep, sweep, sweep. This Chinese woman opposite me was trimming her fingernails and sweeping the rubbish off her lap onto the floor of the cabin. The other time I saw this woman on the bus cutting her fingernails, at least she had a plastic bag to contain the rubbish. If combing hair in public is considered rude, this is both rude and dirty. She should be fined. I practically stared at her the whole journey but she remained nonchalant.

No offense against Chinese nationals but why are the ones I see around mostly uncouth, noisy, rude and demanding? Especially those in Chinatown. There are just too many of them I see around in Chinatown behaving that way. I know many of us are prejudiced against them but is their offensive behaviour really caused by the way we behave towards them? That they want to protect themselves against any hostility because they know we have a bad impression of them? I have met some really nice Chinese people but sad to say, they are a rare breed in Singapore. I wonder if they are ashamed of how their fellow comrades behave in this little country of ours. I would.

A lullabye that doesn't lull

Random question: Why do balding people still leave strands of hair on their heads when it looks worse than being totally bald?

It's a humid night. I have a feeling that it's going to rain later. Fe fi fo fum, I smell the smell of impending rain. So here's a lullabye for you if you fear thunder or lightning. Not that I really think it works. If you like it and want to purchase it, bad news is that I have looked for her cd a few months ago in HMV but it wasn't available. So you can't get it in SG. Enjoy the lyrics anyway.

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Lullabye for a Stormy Night (by Vienna Teng)

little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
i am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though thunder explodes and lightning flash
illuminates your tear-stained face
i am here tonight

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

little child, be not afraid
though storm clouds mask your beloved moon
and its candlelight beams, still keep pleasant dreams
i am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though wind makes creatures of our trees
and their branches to hands, they're not real, understand?
and i am here tonight

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

for you know, once even i was a
little child, and i was afraid
but a gentle someone always came
to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears
and to give a kiss goodnight

well now i am grown
and these years have shown
that rain's a part of how life goes
but it's dark and it's late
so i'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close

and I hope that you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

everything's fine in the morning
the rain'll be gone in the morning
but i'll still be here in the morning