I nearly laughed aloud on the bus while reading The Inimitable Jeeves in the morning. Right now as I try to find those parts I had laughed at, I can't find them. Darn. Hahahaha. I was so amused and now I can't find those parts. Nevermind. I sound mad.

I don't really dare to laugh aloud on the bus when I'm travelling by myself. People look at you like you're some zoo exhibit. You know, when you watch some funny tv show on TV Mobile and you laugh at the guy who deliberately squats in front of a car window and his pants split? Some people laugh aloud especially if they are together with company who laugh along with them. Me? I have no choice but to suppress my laughter so much so that my shoulders heave a bit and I do not dare to look at the screen again for fear of laughing out loud. So as not to scare the person sitting beside me.

Anyway, I have some good news. Another interview coming up but after failing again and again, I don't feel very hopeful this time round. PL says she has some good vibes about this. I hope I can feel the same way.

From the book:

"I don't know if you know that sort of feeling you get on these days round about the end of April and the beginning of May, when the sky's a light blue, with cotton-wool clouds, and there's a bit of breeze blowing from the west? Kind of uplifted feeling. Romantic, if you know what I mean. "

Yes, I know what you mean.

Listening to: Breathe- Michelle Branch

Learn a new word~ Inimitable: in�im�i�ta�ble: matchless/defying imitation

PL brought for me a whole lot of books on Cloud's birthday and I've finished reading two books. The moonstone by Wilkie Collins and Life Cycle of Homo Sapiens, Male by Colin Cheong.

Didn't really like the language by Wilkie Collins but the story just drew me in. At first, I was really trapped into thinking that the young lady was the one who stole the stone herself. Then the story unfolded, with twists and turns here and there and I was shocked when I read the last part of the book. Only then did I manage to guess correctly the culprit. Well, it's a bit hard to believe some parts of the story. Then again, stories are stories.

Today I picked up the book by Colin Cheong. There were a few short stories here and there which I thought quite close to my heart. Even though it's about males, I could remember those stages of my life when I experienced similar things.

The next book I'll be reading will be The inimitable Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse. The cover looks pretty engaging and I believe the story will be too. It is quite inspiring to read how someone like Wodehouse could give up a career in finance back in the 19th century in England to become a successful writer of comedies. He was later knighted and even has a wax figure in Mdm Tussaud's.

Reading is a joy.

Taking the easy way out.

I chose silence instead of explaining myself further. To save myself and herself from further agitation.

I chose to escape instead of facing the issue head on. To save what's left of my pride since I know there isn't any point in holding on.

I don't think I'm a coward. Sometimes, you take the easy way out but it doesn't mean that you don't have the courage to face everything. It's only whether you deem it necessary. Whether it is worth it. Sometimes, it is the only way out.

There are times when I wake up with a feeling of bliss and contentment washed over me. Today is one of those days. When I first opened my eyes and realised it was morning, I just laid in bed and looked out of the window. It was a little chilly and I felt something I hadn't felt in ages. I felt like I was like a child all over again, lying in bed, waking up to relax on a Sunday with nothing to worry about. It felt like one of those carefree days when I was at my babysitter's place during the school holidays.

I pulled my blanket closer to me, closed my eyes and imagined I was back in those days. I fell asleep again. Then I woke up. That feeling was gone but I woke up happy. Right now, I'm still smiling from recalling the first moments when I woke up. It's like finding a part of me which is long lost.

After I woke up, I got down to packing my room. Haven't had the heart to pack it for quite some time. I didn't finish although I know I have to finish packing someday. There are some things which have to be kept away for good and some to throw away. Otherwise, how can new things find their way to fit in place?

It was the first time I went to a maternity ward to visit a newborn child. The moment I stepped in, I recognised this not so pleasant milk smell. The smell of babies.

The little form sleeping soundly in a little plastic cubicle lined with a small mattress, occasionally moving like she was trembling when she was only stretching herself. Her tiny hand covered with a mitten was stretched out of her blanket and her father tucked it in more than once. When she was visibly uncomfortable sleeping on one side, her father cupped her head and used the length of his arm to support her body, turning her to another side. Her eyes were closed the whole time I was there; I marvelled at how plump and rosy her cheeks were, the eyelashes, the little nose, the pouty mouth which regularly bubbled saliva; she looked perfect. I was afraid to touch her.

My mom started to relate her story of how ugly I looked when I was born. This dark, scraggy baby who wailed loudly. Then she went on to say how fast it was. Now I'm already in my 20s.

As she talked, I sat by the baby. Another life in this world. One day, I'll be old and I'll leave this world. I only have one life here and up till now, I have no idea of how to best lead it. Soon, I'll cease to exist. When I die, will I still be me? Or will I just disappear into nothingness? Why was I born into this world, an Asian-Chinese, in Singapore, female? Do you believe in fate? Like everything's planned for you up to every single detail, like you're now reading this very sentence?

Too many questions and too few answers. It gets rather overwhelming at times.

Warning: Do not read the 1st paragraph if you vomit easily.

Can't remember the exact number of times I went to the toilet yesterday. The stool was liquid. At first I didn't mind the diarrhoea. Only that there was the occasional tummy-ache and I felt like s*it at work. When I got up today after a restless sleep, I went to the toilet and I still felt like I was urinating from the anus. So off I went to the doctor. Got medicine and MC. Yay.

Still can't figure out why I had diarrhoea. I had home cooked food that day.

Before I went to the clinic, I dropped off my certificates for photocopying. Yes, I'm sending in yet another job application. Sending in job applications in these hard times is like buying 4D. When you're lucky, you strike. You get the job. When you're out of luck, you can score all 4 digits but not in the correct order. You get an interview but you are rejected.

Today I bought another chance. Dropped my application into the mailbox. I hope my mail reaches the recruiter on time. It's Deepavali tomorrow. The application deadline is on Saturday. Anyway, happy Deepavali! Oh, and it's my friend's birthday today. Happy birthday! She's going to Tioman for the weekend. Lucky girl.

Just went to the kitchen to get a cup of water. My throat is parched. I think I'm dehydrated from all the toilet visits. I was about to finish the water when I realised there was an ant floating in the water. Hmm.

Water is hard to drink. When your diet is just porridge and nothing but porridge, everything is tasteless.

Listening to: Where is the love- Black eyed Peas

It had been a rather interesting weekend. On Saturday, I went for the volunteer's event, "Crossroads". Ended up eating a lot and tiring myself out as the day drew to an end. Watched Infernal Affairs on the next day. While at Kinokuniya, I bought The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Can't remember when's the last time I picked up a storybook to read.

I have actually finished reading the book although not in detail. I always like to read a story again and again. Even though you already know what happens, the feeling is almost always different.

Anyway I liked the book. Even though it is rather depressing. It is haunting.

Here's a paragraph:

You don't really notice the dead leaving when they really choose to leave you. You're not meant to. At most you feel them as a whisper or the wave of a whisper undulating down. I would compare it to a woman in the back of a lecture hall or theatre whom no one notices until she slips out. Then only those near the door themselves, like Grandma Lynn, notice; to the rest it is like an un-explained breeze in a closed room.

Listening to: Here with me-Michelle Branch

When I got into the train today, there was this guy who was talking to his female friend. He spoke quite loudly and I could tell that she was rather amused by whatever he talked about. (I was very amused too). Don't know why but the train was strange today. Thought it was going to stop very soon due to some technical fault but it just kept moving at a speed I had never thought it was capable of. Tut tut tut tut. Mass Rapid Transit my foot.

Of course, the guy kept grumbling in a comical way and finally blurted out, "How come it's moving so slow? I can even walk faster than the train!" and immediately, some school girls at the next door burst out in laughter.

I was trying very hard to suppress a laugh too. The train soon resumed its usual speed and I smiled all the way till I reached my stop.

---

I didn't realise how long I haven't been writing in here. It's been more than a week. Everyday as I set out to go for work, I look at my surroundings and try to think of things I would want to note down. Everytime I thought of something, I would take out my handphone, compose a message and save it in my outbox before I forgot what i wanted to write. For a week, I hadn't been doing that. Till today. For the whole of last week till today, from the time I woke up till I got to my workplace, I was just very weary. Too tired to look around and look out for stimuli for my imagination. I felt dead physically and mentally.

I made a couple of mistakes last week and I think I paid dearly for them. Fortunately, things are kept in check and for now, I think I'm still okay. Bubbly messaged me and said she didn't do well for her interview today. I composed a message very fast. I said, "Things will only get better....."

For a few seconds after I sent that message, I was appalled at how easily I could say something that I am not yet convinced myself. Just a careless phrase I tossed out of my mind. I thought through it repeatedly and I slowly realised that maybe it wasn't just a carelessly tossed-out phrase. Perhaps I indeed believed in what I said.

Early in the morning, I'm a yelling oxy-moron without oxy who doesn't understand why cowdung was available so freely.

Tonight's karaoke session was fun. Hoped the rest enjoyed it too. Oh well, judging by how we shouted into the mikes, I suppose they at least found it therapeutic. Am looking forward to our next session!

---

Too many sad love songs to sing, too many broken pieces to mend, too many late nights. Too crazy to think coherently, too sane to run away; too many toos in one paragraph.

---

I must be too high on the entertainment earlier on that I don't feel much fatigue. Maybe my writing tells you otherwise. My entry will be disjointed. Maybe it is just a self-fulfilling prophecy. I suddenly feel an itch. Mosquito bites. I find one on my leg and another on my arm. Both swelling into welts. Only one feels itchy. The other doesn't. Tries to ignore the itch. I stare at the computer screen. As usual, just you and me. The abcs, the space bar and the backspaces. I type and backspace numerous times but I know I will get to the end of the entry maybe just a little later than I want to.

---

Remember I talked about a primary school ex-classmate who always went into the classroom with a smell of dung? As kids, we used to whisper, "Ee, his shoes got cowdung." Realise something wrong with the statement? Not the singlish part but "cowdung". Do you see cows walking freely around in Singapore other than the zoo? So why did we use the word "cowdung". I have no idea. Do you?

---

I'm way too late as usual.

I think I'm going for a karaoke session tomorrow. After a hiatus of a few months, I am going to sing my lungs out tomorrow. Oh well, depending if I'm really going for the session tomorrow. Nowadays, almost everyone my age has a handphone (well, I say almost because I have two friends who still do not possess one) and it's so convenient to just change plans. Just send an sms. Or give a call. It's that easy.

Gone are the days when I relied on a pager. When I first got a handphone, I didn't cancel my pager line. After all, the pager was once the source of many cherished messages. It had gone crazy and resetted itself one day; I stared at the empty message box for a long time. All the messages were gone for good. Then I thought that perhaps I could wait for more messages to come. I was wrong. It was for almost a year or so till I finally realised that I was only wasting money to keep this little thing which was growing as obsolete as the memories surrounding it.

By the way, it was pink.

---

I lost the bet and lost nothing. It didn't rain after all.

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~ Not by me.

Alzheimer's & Music without an expiry date.

Random question: Do you find that you're always writing about the same old things, so much so that you don't even realise you wrote about the exact, same thing today as a few months back?

I do. Sometimes I think I have a problem remembering what I wrote and what I didn't.

Random idiotic act: I placed my hand on my sister's, moved that hand in a trembling motion and she was clearly irritated. Then I said I had Parkinson's.

---

I listened to quite a lot of chinese songs today. Don't know why, just felt like listening to them since I haven't really listened to chinese songs for quite some time. There were a few which left a deep impression. One of them is ׷ by Leslie Cheung. Another one is �ǵ� by Zhang Huimei. ׷ is this very old song from when I was in secondary two or one, I can't remember. Now that Leslie Cheung has passed away, I thought it would be nice to just hear that song again. Listened to it a few times. In the end, I was surprised to realise that he had laughed very lightly at the end of the song. Even though I had listened to the song quite a number of times before, the first time being donkey years ago, I realised that part only today. If you know the lyrics, the last phrase is "Ҳ��Ц". Oh well, that's just something I found interesting. Maybe you can try laughing like he did when singing this song during karaoke sessions.

Messages from the weird dreams and letterbox.

Must be the late nights that I've been keeping. After reaching home and washing up, I fell asleep almost immediately after I laid down on the bed. I had a dream. It was a strange dream. I was in my office. I met some people I have not seen since secondary school. These were people I never ever talked to. I was on icq talking to someone I had not talked to in a long while. I got disconnected in the dream and by the time I got back online, the person was no longer there. Someone also tried to ask me for my contact number in the dream.

I was in the middle of the dream when I woke up. Part of me was just telling me to wake up while I wanted to finish the dream. I don't know what took over me but I practically jumped awake. It was night time. In the few seconds after I woke up, I felt very dazed. I was trying to recall if it was the middle of the night or that I was just taking a nap. After realising that I hadn't had dinner, I figured that it was just a nap. I got up and my arm ached. I think I just promptly fell asleep on my arm and didn't move after that.

Do you believe in dreams coming true? Do you think they really signify anything?

My dreams never came true for me.

---

These days I'm the one who opens the letterbox. Everyday I open it to find junk mail and bills. Nothing interesting. It's been a long time since I experienced the excitement and joy of receiving snail mail from people I want to hear from.

---

Yesterday I had a minor disagreement with my mom. Was on my hp talking to her and my colleague overheard. Today, my colleague asked what happened yesterday and I just told her what happened. She didn't say much but what little she said struck me. Basically she told me to just give in to my mom. Even if she wants to listen to her mother nag now, she can't.

It's only when we lose something or someone that we realise how much they mean to us. I know this isn't the first time we have heard this but perhaps only when the feeling of loss is very real that, you really, truly understand the statement. Maybe by that time, it would be too late.

When I took the lift today, this little boy from the fifth or fourth floor came in with his maid. It was not the first time I've seen them and I found the boy quite adorable. Today, he whispered loudly to his maid, "The same aunt!" The maid couldn't hear him properly the first time round and he whispered even louder, "The same aunt! etc etc etc" while looking at me.

I was very amused. Kids are funny. They would do silly things like hiding themselves under a curtain, thinking that you can't see them since they can't see you. Like the kid thought I couldn't hear him since he was whispering. Heh.

Oh yeap, Happy Children's Day! We're never too old to celebrate Children's Day. =)

---

I hate spam. Everyday, 99% of the mail I receive will be deleted. Mails as follows:

For the under-developed and unhealthy
"Help for ringing ears"
"shampoo that makes your hair grow faster"
"Viagra delivered to your home"
"Lose weight while taking a shower"

For the gullible
"Super size your member"
"Your job sucks"
"You won't believe this!"
"You have won!"
"Get out of debt 3X faster!"
"Where have you been?"
"Please respond"

From those who can't spell
"Protect you assets"
"SWYFG Baet Phil at wrok ns

Diploma Pgarrom

Crtaee a more peosprrous fuutre for youserlf

Receive a flul dioplma from non actcedired
untversiiies bsaed upon yuor rael life experiecne

You wlil not be tetsed, or iniervtewed
Reviece a Msetar's, Baehcolr's or Doctorate

Clal 24 huros a day 7 days a week

*****************************"

These are just some of the spam mails I've received today. Sometimes it is rather funny to read the titles but most of the time it is just plain irritating to keep deleting and deleting. I hardly ever get any real email!

---

Does it feel that bad to not have someone to love in that special way? In their words, "someone to target". They feel it is sian having no one to target. I don't know. In the past I used to find infatuation interesting or even somewhat enjoyable. Because you don't have any clear answers, there is the freedom and excitement. The flutter in your heart when you see that person. Even a smile or the presence of that someone can make you float for hours or bring a smile to your face the whole day. I guess for me, that was a long time ago. Maybe when you get the answers, it is not that fun anymore. That you actually choose to be sian rather than getting hurt.