Running all the time.

Memories in my head. They run, I can't escape. I should go to bed.
Maybe I'll dream of you again. Though we might never meet again.

Not a girl, not yet a woman.

It's been my second day at work and I haven't really settled down. From the look of things, I foresee that it would be a long, hard journey ahead. Don't wish to think too much but I hope that I will have the strength to carry it through. Who said being a servant is easy? Depending on which household you belong to, it can be difficult.

I realise that I have to supervise fellow servants. Although that will come into place later on, I feel inadequate at the moment. I'm but a kid myself. Some of them are so much older than me and so much more experienced. I feel like a kid masquerading in adult clothes and wearing war paint and high heels to work everyday. Hope I'll get used to it. It doesn't help that my direct boss has high expectations of me. I badly want to learn everything as soon as possible but that's just not going to happen because there are just too many things to master. I don't want to make a fool of myself. I want to perform well and be able to contribute to my team.

Working means having to wake up and sleep early. I'm still getting used to it. My sore throat isn't gone but it's getting better. I'm leading a much healthier lifestyle (even if it's been only two days). Hope that I'll be healthier in the years to come.

In short, I'm still quite confused. Afraid. Hopeful. Wish me luck.

My stomach is feeling really empty. Yesterday, I didn't take breakfast, had a small bowl of century egg porridge for lunch and another bowl for dinner. Vomitted half of what I ate at night. Have been having a really sore throat which was further aggravated by dust from this box my mom dug out from the room. One thing led to another and I made stupid remarks I shouldn't have said. Already tired from the mindless quarrelling, I turned in early for once. Thought it would be good to have more rest. It was of no use as I ended up sleeping at around three in the morning because my head kept pounding and it was terribly uncomfortable to even swallow saliva. Oh well, back to my empty stomach. I didn't have breakfast again today. Ate a plate of plain porridge. Will be having that for dinner again.

Can't remember how many times I've fallen sick this year. I know the very first time I fell sick this year was during Chinese New Year. Food poisoning. Then I remember I took MCs twice after that. Growing terribly unfit and skinny. When I went to the clinic for a pre-employment medical checkup, the nurse was shocked at how light I am. Was quite sad. I was 4 kg heavier back in JC. How can that be? I lost a lot of weight from falling sick this year. Every time I fell sick, I would become even gaunter. Guess I need to start exercising soon. When my throat is feeling fine again, I will start. I must. Can't remember when was the last time I did any exercise.

This year is not good for me. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. In the Chinese New Year period, there were a few pieces of predictions for Chinese horoscopes pasted at the escalators for people to read. Being kaypoh, I read and to my dismay, almost everything was bad. Not that I'm superstitious or blindly follow this kind of thing, but I think with regards to health and career, it's been pretty bad. Okay, at least I managed to find a job but for most of the year, I was suffering because of people politics and fear of not being able to find a job. Okay, I can't remember anything about love but it's been a dry spell too. Other than that, I missed my merit by so little. I think I can go on and on about a lot of things but I'm no whiner. (ha!) Besides, there are good things which have happened so I shan't complain. With the going away of the bad things, good will come. The new year is coming! I'm so looking forward to the year end camp (I really hope that I can make it!), Christmas, Chinese New Year! Woohoo. Chinese New Year is in January this year. I am surely going to be in top form when it comes so I can pig out with the fellow pigs. Yay yay yay!

It's a warm and lazy Sunday afternoon. Just surfed onto a blog and the person lamented that he/she doesn't want to go for honours because of some badly done exam paper. He/She went on to say that without honours, there'll be no decent paying job. I guess unless you're going to be a servant like me, honours doesn't make much of a difference. Perhaps the starting pay would be a little different in the private sector but ultimately, it's your working capability that matters, not how much you studied. Okay, that's for the private sector.

I realise that compared to a lot of blogs, mine is full of things which are unimportant. Nothing about social issues or politics. I once read in a public forum where some local guys were sort of complaining that the local girls only know how to gossip, talk about fashion and know nothing much about current affairs. I think I'm one of those they're talking about, minus the fashion. I used to want to know a lot more about the world and was pretty hooked onto watching news for a while before I stopped. There was a period of time when almost everything you saw and heard on news was of death and destruction. Power struggles, racial riots, plane crashes, war, disputes between countries, terrorism. I get tired. They don't. Nowadays, I just skim through the news online and that's about it. I'm happy writing about little things in my life which will become important when I read through this blog ten years down the road.

SF just smsed to ask for the receipt. The camelbak we got for SF is leaking and I can't find the receipt. I've dug through my bag and wallet and can't find it. I have a bad feeling. Think I might have used it to clean the gooey stuff off my fingers the other night. !!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Started reading the last of the books that PL lent me. Imperial Woman by Pearl S. Buck. Picked this one last because I thought it would be a boring book. Don't know why but I always had the impression that she's a boring authoress. Don't know how I got that impression since I can't remember having read any book written by her. Oh well, I picked up that book at around four plus in the afternoon and I just put it down not too long ago. Still have some more pages to go! It's been quite readable and I didn't do any speed reading. It is so much easier to read than Beloved by Toni Morrison. Really kowtow to the people doing Literature in uni. Having to read so many books for just one module. If I had taken Lit, I would be bald if every book is as difficult as Beloved.

I've thought about something to write for some time now. Think I'll write about it now. I was once from another diary community and there was a major clean up of their servers recently. I didn't know about it and my diary was deleted. I felt sad on that day but I guess I had to let it go sooner or later. Anyway I still regularly read the diaries from that community. A few weeks ago, this diarist committed suicide. I don't know how she actually passed away but her death was certainly linked to another diarist who was her ex-boyfriend. He had been getting hate-notes from other diarists.

It's been quite some time since I last read some blogs of people who are no longer in this world. There's this guy who died in the 911 incident and his mother still leaves comments in his guestbook. There's another girl who passed away in a road accident and people still leave comments in the journal. These blogs I surfed onto randomly. The one I read regularly; it made me think more than usual. It's something like knowing that a friend you never met from the internet passed away. In this day and age where technology has advanced so much that a commoner like myself has a personal space in virtual space, how many of these spaces are floating legacies? Virtual shrines where people pay homage. Immortalised. Ok, maybe not.

---

Oh yar, today's the last day of the Buskers' festival. The other day when we went to celebrate SF's birthday, we managed to catch a performance by this Australian guy named Andy Zap. Really, really funny! He made funny jokes of the passers-by, wore a stretch suit, teased the audience, performed various acts and when he bent over, he had a cleavage! Gasp! Anyway, it's really hilarious with his very spontaneous acts and he's going to perform tomorrow (last day!) 7.30/10.30 p.m. at Orchard. Go watch if you have time. There are quite a number of comedians. Don't forget to donate!

From the festival guide
Why did the busker cross the road
...to start another show

Even to be a fool, you need an education...
most of the funny folks you'll find here have a university education.

What did the "just married" spiders call their new home?
Newlywebs

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?
To feed her nightmare.

My friend is so stupid that he thinks twice before saying nothing

People have been asking me when I start work. My mom tells them 25th. I don't know why she said 25th and the old girl just realised that she had been telling people I am going to start work on Hari Raya Puasa.

Last night while at ktv, I received an sms.

"Tomorrow marks a new stage of life for you. I have no ang pow to give you, but I will wish you all the best! Be brave..."-- Nut

Thanks Nut. You're a week early. =) Don't forget the goreng pisang!

So folks, I'll be officially starting work on 26th November 2003. Here's wishing me all the best even though Bubbly just said that my workplace is horribly bureaucratic blah blah.

These few days at home have been terribly unproductive but I like it. My last few days of totally slacking around before I venture further into the corporate environment. Last night I went for ktv with my ex-colleagues. One of them is recently plagued with worries. I pray that her worries will dissipate soon. Anyway, I didn't feel like singing last night and was just chewing and chewing on the crackers. Woke up today with a parched throat. Arghh! In the afternoon, my nose got irritated by some dust or something and my throat got worse. Practically forced myself to get up from a nap and ran off to meet PL. Yes. It's another birthday. This time round it's SF's birthday. The 6th of the 8 birthdays that we would continue to celebrate every year. (I hope.) Anyway I think SF enjoyed himself especially when we were at Paulaner's. The live band was on and they sang a birthday song for him. Think we behaved rather crazily when we screamed so loudly. (My poor throat.) Anyway, the lead singer asked if SF is attached and announced to the whole place that he's single and available. The silly guy stood up and waved. Spontaneous man. The lead singer later walked past us during her break and she stopped by to shake SF's hand. SF asked for a dedication. With or without you by U2.

After that song, PL and I set off for home. As I closed the door of the cab when PL got out, my fingers dipped into some gooey stuff in the side of the door. Yucks! I was wondering if I should smell it and find out what it was but I decided against it. It looked like starch in the dark cab. I had no tissue paper. I found some paper receipts in my bag and then rubbed the stuff off my fingers. Yucks. What can it be? Tell me if you know.

In the mood for love or gore?

Bored. Switched on my comp. Remembered I had "My Sassy Girl". I was a happy girl but not for long. First half of it was corrupted. Tried the second half which worked fine till somewhere towards 3/4 of the movie. You can imagine how disappointed and not to mention, exasperated I was. Okay, it wasn't that bad. I had another one to fall back on.

"How to lose a guy in ten days". Caught this movie with PL when it was on screen. Even so, I still found it bearable to watch again and again. Rottentomatoes.com rated this 40% fresh. Nevermind. It's a chick flick. My kind of show when I'm in the mood. I like Kate Hudson. Woohoo.

Compared with Kill Bill, this is light stuff. Kill Bill is gory. Gross and it tickles. Good stuff when you're in the mood. Many parodies and lots of kungfu. Still have the image of Lucy Liu's head in my mind. If you've watched it, she had the roof of her head sliced off. If not, this is not a big spoiler. There are far worse images in the movie. Enjoy!

Saying Goodbye.

As I typed my resignation letter in the office, many thoughts were running through my mind. A busy Monday it was; I was drained from the day's work and had finally seated myself down in front of someone else's computer and started typing away. I had never written a resignation letter before and I had not looked up any resources online previously. Despite feeling ill-prepared, I just wrote it anyhow, expressing how I enjoyed working with them and wishing them all the best on the road ahead. I meant it with all my heart.

It's always hard to say goodbye.

Goodbye to my colleagues who have played an important role in my life for the past three years. I have truly learned a lot from you. You have been a catalyst in my growth and self-discovery. Thank you for the friendships and camaraderie we had. You are worthy team mates. I enjoyed fighting every battle with you.

Goodbye to the customers who have mostly been kind and tolerant. You have taught me the importance of good customer service.

Goodbye to the familiar surroundings. The sights and sounds of Chinatown.

Goodbye to this stage of my life. When I held on to a pink pager. When I thought I was in love. When I was bogged down by work and school. When I first learned to be self-reliant.

I say hello to a new stage. In a week's time, I'll be moving on to heavier responsibilities. True. I am apprehensive. I feel scared like when I first joined my workplace. Getting to know everyone again. I laugh at myself, my strong front presented in the interview. I'm not that confident.

But I want to say goodbye to my fears. Sooner or later, I will succeed. Wish me luck.

Just came home not too long ago from a combined birthday celebration for Bubbly and PL. So the eight of us were together again, although XY came late and G left early. I miss our mentoring sessions, miss the time spent together after mentoring, miss the carefree feeling of being a student.

We went to three different places to eat just now. Had dinner at Bugis Junction, dessert and tim sum at Raffles Hotel and drinks at the S11 near the National Library. As usual, there were just SF, XY, Bubbly, PL and I. The group which went out together to celebrate Valentine's Day together because we are all single.

There we were at S11, drinking barley water and beer. SF looked like a cooked crab. XY looked extremely tired. After we wished Bubbly happy birthday as the clock struck midnight, we sang a birthday song while a noisy vehicle went by. Then, we weren't talking much and I asked a question. What are we doing here? PL said something about enjoying each other's company. It's very true. Come to think of it, we had met one another almost everyday sometimes during our mentoring term and we're still in frequent contact with one other after graduation. There's always this feeling that we care for one another and we're always comfortable with sharing with one other. I'm really thankful I decided on mentoring. If I hadn't, I would not have met these people I grew to love and feel so much for.

There is so much I want to say but I'll go to bed now. Feeling really drained.

So the interviews this week are over. I'm feeling quite drained but heck, they are over. Now I just have to wait for good news if any. Won't talk about what happened during the interviews. They are best left forgotten.

I still have a weak stomach I guess. Was nervous in the morning because of the interview and they kept me waiting for a long, long time. Couldn't make it in time for lunch but got a cup of noodles from my superior. After eating the cup of half-cooked instant noodles, I came back home to visit the loo. The result is funky stuff. Hey hey, I know this is not the first time I'm talking about chocolate sauce but anyway......okay, I'll stop talking about it.

Anyway, I got a postcard from WW! There are animals with funny faces on one side and he wrote on the other side. It's a good luck card from him. If not for him, I wouldn't have tried for this job I went to interview for on Monday. Thanks WW.

It's going to be PL's 21st birthday in a few minutes time. Although we aren't going to be celebrating for her on her birthday, I'm sure she'll have a very enjoyable day with her family. Happy 21st, my dear girl.

I had a 1 hour plus shopping trip with my sister in the afternoon. Can't remember when's the last time we went out together. Got some stuff for the upcoming interviews. Feeling nervous.

Talked to PL and SF just now after the meeting. We were having dinner and talking about various things again. Then I talked about my feeling inadequate. SF said some things which I pondered upon and thought to be quite true. I really need more confidence. I can do many things that I think I can't.

Really feel grateful to have friends like them who are always by my side to give constructive criticism and endless encouragement. I was feeling very touched just now actually. Do feel much better after the pep talk.

Thanks for everything.