Bloated human. Remember, remember, the 26th of November.

If you have played neopets before, you'd probably either have a bloated pet or a dying one. (If you're a lazy pet-owner like me. ) Well of course, if I have a real pet, I will not be so irresponsible. If only I have the chance to have a real puppy or kitten. Bleah.

Nowadays I think my neopets are dying because I never log in. Previously whenever I logged in, I would feed my pets until they get bloated.

Right now, I'm feeling bloated and that reminded me of neopets. I had four pieces of pizza, three pieces of garlic bread and a cup of pepsi at about 10.30 p.m. I don't usually eat so much. Tonight was an exception because there's no food at home.

So, I just remembered that it's the 26 November 2006. On this day three years ago, I joined my workplace. Hopeful, fresh and wanting to make a difference. Today, I'm jaded, wilted and I don't think I will be able to make a difference anytime soon. But I'm still hanging on like the rest. Maybe a few months later, I'll be compelled to make a move. Usually after the bonuses are given out, people run.

Argh. It's yet another work week.

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You know, in the government sector, there is this staff suggestion exercise where government employees contribute ideas to cut down on wastage, improve work efficiency blah blah.

There are a few ideas that I will add to this blog when I can think of more. Not for work, of course:

1) Invent a pill that will release water into your body when you eat it. This is good for people who don't have time to drink water. Or those like me who have to climb two storeys to get to a water cooler.

2) Print the expiry date onto tomato ketchup/chilli sauce satchets so that people in the office will not eat expired tomato/chilli sauces leftover from ordering fast food.

Two ideas for today.

I believe you are the answer to every tear I've cried

Today I assembled and decorated a Christmas tree for the first time in my life. =) Not my own tree but a friend's. In her cosy home. Blue and silver baubles, bells, ribbons, beads and golden lights. We had fun and being high on the excitement earlier, I'm still awake at this hour.

I'm now listening to parts of "The Gift". As DT will be giving it to me, I shall wait patiently for December and listen to parts of the songs online in the meantime.

A friend who bought the album mentioned that it's rather reflective. Then, I didn't really feel much when I first listened to the songs. Right now, my favourites are Silent Night (which suits the mood since I'm still up at this hour when most of the neighbourhood is asleep) and The Answer (I may never fully understand the meaning of the song). They make me look forward to watching her at the esplanade in mid-december. I look at the calendar every other day and do a mental countdown. At work, I wish for time to pass by faster, so that I can go home and rest and for the work week to end soon, and for December to come soon so that I can celebrate this and that. Yet I don't want time to pass me by so quickly.

In retrospect, Decembers have always been rather eventful for me. When I think of December, there are these things to think about: Cool weather, bedok, presents, holiday, BBQ, bliss, birthdays, nostalgia, melancholy, miss you most at christmas time, orchard road lights, drive through, reunions, cards, emptiness, exams, camp, cakes, friends who matter most, overseas phone call, disconnection of line, Rasa Sentosa, mee sua, tears.

We grow up. People change. Move on.

The only thing that stays constant?

Verbal diarrhoea.

It's a colleague's last day of work today. My lunch partner. My friend. She's one of the dinosaurs, having been with the workplace for about six or seven years (I can't remember). I have never seen her lose her temper in the three years I've been there. Amazing. Anyway, I am wondering if she's still at her workstation trying to clear her stuff. Maybe she's still shredding papers.

I wonder when it's my turn. As I was walking to the bus stop after we said our goodbyes, I felt rather upset. It's not so much of "when can I stop doing all these shitty stuff" but rather "I'll miss your presence here. We work well together. You're a great person to work with and be friends with". It felt like.. school. Like in council. When things had to end. I remembered the investiture of the 23rd council. I couldn't control myself and cried on stage and when pinning the badge onto my junior's collar. It's like, no matter how hard it was, you appreciated the company of those around you. Those who fought with you, listened to you and shared with you. And when you had to part, you feel like you are leaving some part of you behind. You're giving part of your heart away. You do not just want the memories. I don't know if it makes sense to you but to me, today, I suddenly realised that maybe I am not strong enough to just move on like that. The thought of people leaving, or the thought of me leaving them, makes me catch my breath.

I'm not strong enough. Not brave enough.

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I don't write much in here anymore. Not sure who's reading what. Nobody leaves comments. I have things I want to remember but I forget them by the time I come home. Or I'm too tired to write. Or I can't get started because I have a mental block. Then I think too much about how open I should be with my thoughts. Should I just continue to write superficial stuff in here and be vague about what I really feel? And have the few rare entries where I write about some unhappy things which I have tried so hard to not write about.

Well, I have stopped thinking of of all these because it doesn't matter anymore. Like now, the words come to me fast and I just keep typing without thinking too much. I think I'll just keep on typing whatever comes to me. I'll stop thinking of whether I want the blog to not contain this and that and blah. I'll just be making it difficult for me to start writing something.