Got back my CDs from JY on Monday. Having not touched them for quite some time, I listened to one of them and I wonder why I got it in the first place. Except for the "Sadness" by Enigma, the rest don't sound good to me. Felt rather disappointed while listening to it just now.

It's been a tough week. Just now I broke down and cried. It's ironic I'm writing this down here when I actually locked myself in my room but I guess it doesn't really matter now. It's all so contradictory. Sometimes I don't want any company at all yet I go online to talk to people. I think I'm one pathetic soul. I don't know what I actually want. I guess I'm lonely. Like what a friend described, maybe we're just selective about the company we seek.

Warmth.

It was chillly again. As I walked back to my block, the night was quiet. A kitten scampered away but I didn't mean to cross its path. As I took the lift up just now, I was breathing really slowly and deeply. I saw my reflection in the plastic panel as I passed the various storeys. Saw my face looking back at me.

It was a tough day. Mom opened the door, took the mail I collected and my bag. I undressed a little and then went to the kitchen. She had told me to eat the porridge while it was still warm. Upon entering the kitchen, she was muttering to herself. She could have been talking to me but I didn't really take it in. I was just looking at her, bending over the stove, scooping the stew and egg onto a plate. After that, she went on to scoop the porridge and tried as far as possible to separate the fluid from the porridge.

She handed the plate to me. I took it to the living room and decided to retreat to the kitchen. The tv was too noisy. So I sat in the kitchen eating my porridge while she sat in the living room as usual. When I finished, I went out and saw her reading the mail.

Sometimes days are bad. But whatever it is, when you can come home to someone who cares for you, the most simple fare can taste perfect. It's the taste of home. The weather may be cold but my heart is warmer than ever.

So, the club's gone. At least for now. V asked just now how I felt. Actually I don't know. I wasn't prepared for this conclusion because I always thought we could continue. Now that the verdict is passed, I only feel that we did what we could in the past few months and we did our best. That is good enough and it was fun when it lasted; even the challenging sessions we had when there were so many issues to grapple with. Just hope that something can and will be done when the time is ripe.

I had a dream last night. Dreamed of someone I never expected to dream of. I could hear his voice and see his face so clearly I woke up in the middle of the night as if it was a nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare. Even so, I felt disturbed and took quite a while to slip back into slumber.

I can't remember the details of the dream now.

---

It's now 1 p.m. in the afternoon. I think the weather is more or less back to normal; even though it's still rather cloudy, it does seem less dreary and cold. My toes aren't cold anymore even though I'm wearing shorts. Right now, I'm thinking of how it would be like when I get back to work tomorrow. After a long break, it feels like I've lost the momentum. Can imagine the flooding emails in my inbox. Then it's back to the question of finding something to look forward to. I haven't really thought of something concrete to start with. Actually I have a few options but really need to get down to choosing.

I think I'm too fast to say that the weather is back to normal. It's turning a little dark and the wind is howling. Yes, the wind is that strong. Nut said that it's because of some gale in Indonesia. Yesterday while going out, the wind blew so strongly that I felt I could be swept away.

---

Was thinking of meeting up with my mentee before going down to Clementi today. Long overdue date. The last time we met was for the zoo outing. It's partly my fault. I think besides being busy, I also procrastinated because I didn't feel up to travelling. Sometimes when I finally get my off days, the physical distance seems so daunting even if it's only from my place to Bukit Batok. Other than meeting up with her, I'm also supposed to go to my babysitter's place for Chinese New Year. I'm so bad. Okay, I must go not later than this week.

Meeting at Clementi for meeting tonight. I wonder what's the fate of the club.

Haven't written in chinese for a very long time. Short story as follows, just for fun!

---

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Do you have any idea why it's been raining so heavily? It's been more than a little chilly. My toes are cold. Messaged CJWD on the change of plans tomorrow but I think he was already asleep. So tomorrow, we are not going to East Coast. No sun, sand and sea because there's probably not going to be any sun considering the wet weather we're having. Super suay that is. PL was just saying just now that whatever we organise, it will rain out. I don't want to concur. If it's really the truth, then the reason for raining so heavily these days is because the sky knows the war games people are organising an outing tomorrow. That is super sad.

Oh okay, it's already today. 1 a.m. and I've just started to yawn.

---

People talk about closure sometimes. Like me. When I thought about closure, I would have this mental picture of two sides closing a gap. Now, I know that it can be just one person holding the door knob and closing the door. That's closure for me when I know I can never get the other person to close the gap with me.

Are you happy now? I would guess so. I am happy too. Happy that you're happy most probably and happy that I've learned to close the door myself. Although I still hear sounds behind the door sometimes, I have learned to be happy with what I see on my side. My side has flowers blooming in magnificence I had never learned to appreciate then.

Now I see all the colours. They are beautiful. It is springtime again.

Spoilers: Don't read if you want to watch "The Last Samurai"

These past few days have been really great. Okay, other than eating good food, there are other things that I enjoyed. The reunion dinner on the eve was steamboat and as usual, Mom's food tastes the best. Had a good rest the following day as I didn't have to do any visiting. Had a family luncheon yesterday with the relatives and scooted off to Ang Mo Kio to meet the other mentors. Went to Jamie's house, then to Gary's, then SF's and lastly KL's house. Finally, we went to watch "The last Samurai" at Jurong Point.

I liked the movie. It has got some historical and other boo boos; Cruise never dies from any bullet wounds (well, the lead can never die prematurely in the show), and romance between an American white man and a Japanese woman in the early 19th century (heck, I don't think there were Americans in Japan then). I realised that I can't remember the Japanese history learned in university. I forgot all about the Tokugawa era and I got all mixed up. Can't believe all the rubbish I was spouting to SF and Gary. Stupid me. My poor old brain.I need to really read more outside of work. Okay, enough of digressing. Back to the movie. I liked the kid who acted as Higen. His name is Sosuke Ikematsu. The way he acted was beyond his age. Like an adult in a child's body. I especially liked this part, after Yoritomo died. :

---

INT. YORITOMO'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Algren sits with the family. The boys sit next to their mother.

ALGREN
(subtitles)
...he gave his life to save us. He died bravely.

TAKA
(subtitles)
Thank you, Algren-San.

HIGEN
(subtitles)
Will you fight the white men?

ALGREN
(subtitles)
If they come here, yes.

HIGEN
(subtitles)
Why?

ALGREN
(subtitles)
Because they come to destroy what I have come to love.

Taka looks at him, moved and surprised. Suddenly, Higen jumps up and bolts... out of the room. Algren looks to Taka.

TAKA
(subtitles)
The way of Samurai is difficult for children. He misses his father.

ALGREN
And he is angry because I am the cause of that.

She smiles ever so slightly at his obliviousness.

TAKA
No. He is angry because he fears you will die as well.

EXT. VILLAGE - NIGHT

Higen stands, looking up at the stars.

ALGREN
Higen.

HIGEN
(subtitles)
My father taught me it is glorious to die in battle.

ALGREN
(subtitles)
That is what he believed.

HIGEN
(subtitles)
I would be afraid to die in battle.

ALGREN
(subtitles)
So would I.

HIGEN
(subtitles)
But you have been in many battles.

ALGREN
(subtitles)
And I was always afraid.

Higen looks at him, tears welling in his eyes.

HIGEN
(subtitles)
I don't want you to go.

Algren has no answer. He can only gather the boy up in his arms and hold him.

---

Forget how much you think Tom Cruise sucks. His acting is actually okay but Ken Watanabe was way better than just okay. He was absolutely fitting as Katsumoto. SF said Koyuki was like a vase in the movie. I think otherwise. At least she's a better looking vase than many other vases. Other than that, the soundtrack didn't leave much of an impression. No idea why it got a nomination for Golden Globe. Besides all that, I liked the kendo scenes and I liked their village. So peaceful, so surreal.

---

Anyway, the visits to the mentors' houses were packed with fun and lots of food. I'm really glad that we are still going strong and important to one another. Having one more outing next week for lou hei. Should be fun. It's a great Chinese New Year!

Another one from II. It is funny, lah.

Dear All,

For your reading pleasure.

This is a good one!!!!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect ! couple! was driving
their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone
at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.





Question: Who was the survivor?




Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)




Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man.






**** Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.



**** Men keep scrolling.










So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.



**** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this
is REALLY the end of the joke.



*** Men Keep scrolling











By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point:



WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!

It's not a good day. Even though the big servant wasn't around and I felt pretty relaxed during the course, I was majorly stressed up when I got back to my workstation. A few files to go through, a few letters to draft and some important things to note down. Of course I couldn't do all these in an hour. Ended up reaching home at around nine.

I'd rather not go for the bobo course. Waste my time. All those stuff I can read on my own. Other than that, I only got to learn some interesting stuff like how to escape when there's a fire. What to do when someone calls up with a bomb threat. Stuff like that.

So I came home feeling extremely hungry. Mom made some nice fish and chips. After that she asked me to go down to fetch the mail. I was sort of pissed off because Sis didn't get them and I really didn't want to go down again. I had waited for more than five minutes for the lift when going home. There's only one lift working now because of the upgrading. I went down and felt even more pissed off when the stupid neighbour next door decided to lecture the kids in the lift, with her maid and a bicycle blocking the way into the lift cubicle. Mind you, there were a few people waiting to get into the stupid lift and all you wanted to do was to just stay on the 1st storey to scold your naughty grandchildren. Hello? Do you own the lift? After that, when someone was getting out, she didn't realise that her dog's face nearly brushed against my face. It scared me. It was just a small black dog but its face looked huge when near mine.

Oh well, I got home feeling rather down. Mom thought I was pissed with her.

Looked through the mail and I have a brochure from SDU. There. Something to remind me that I'm indeed single, desperate and ugly even though I don't want to be. Bubbly went for some activities and remarked that the people "cannot make it". Maybe I'll sign up for some activity someday and take a look. If I do that, I'll remember to write about it. Should be interesting.

One sweet day. I heard a part of the song on tv just now. Reminded me of my secondary school days when there was a karaoke competition held every year. Someone sang this song. Can't remember the name of the girl but I remember she always liked to sing Mariah Carey's songs every year she took part. Anyway, yeap, just another song that reminds me of some part of my life.

I don't feel like sleeping again. Talking about sleeping, Yellow Duck just said that his mom slept in the same room as him until he got to Primary One. I thought about myself and I can't remember having slept in the same room as my mom when I was small. I think I slept by myself ever since we moved to our current place from Bedok. I was four then. Can remember some nights when I just woke up vomitting for no reason. It's like, I can be in deep sleep one moment and then I throw up the next. I wondered why I had such a condition but it ceased after I got to secondary school.

There are snippets of irrelevant information floating in my mind right now. Days when my mom brought me to kindergarten and back home. Sometimes she brought me to the wet market and I always hated it because it was forever slippery, dirty and smelly. Being a young child, I could only wait for her to finish buying stuff while I stood there in the midst of the noisy crowd. You don't get to breathe in good air when you're a midget. Anyway, I used to look at those chickens in cages. Quite scary. There was once when I got to saw someone slit the neck of a chicken. He just bent the neck backwards, took a knife and slit it across. Then he left the chicken in some bucket for the blood to flow out. Yucks.

Then we would walk home. Past this shop selling nuts and bolts.

It's fun taking a ride down memory lane sometimes. You never know what your brain churns up. Maybe my brain is only good for remembering such details. Heh.

So, I'll be on course tomorrow. It's a lobo course so I get to relax a bit. Well, maybe not. Hope the big servant doesn't talk to us all the time. Then I can attend the course in peace! Yippeee.

It was a long weekend and when I got into the office today, I opened my mailbox and saw it flooding. It wasn't the first time and this time round, I was all right. I'm glad. The first few times I saw it flood, I really wanted to go to the loo because I got too nervous. It's not funny. Yes, I'm still getting used to work. I know it's been more than a month but I seriously think I need more time. It's really been information overload all the way until now and my brain feels like a very lousy sponge. My brain reacts fastest when it comes to lunchtime. After lunchtime, it just goes downhill for more than an hour before resuming to normal.

Food. I got a lot of food for New Year. Sis and I went to stock up on junk food and I really, really look forward to eating all that junk. Look forward to gaining a bit of weight too! Hope I don't fall sick AGAIN.

Received an email from Sis Terri. Glad she's happy over there. She tells me to look at the Japan embassy website and look for opportunities to teach in Japan. I smile to myself when I read her email.

There are many things I would love to do. Things like studying in Japan, experiencing life elsewhere, knowing that I can see and feel so much more than presently. However I know that at least for the next five to ten years, I will be at my present position. Maybe after that, I then can map and carry out what I have to do. I'll just have to keep reassuring myself that when I am financially ready, I will also be mentally ready to step out of this comfort zone I have been in all my life. Like Sis Terri, I will be brave enough to make that big jump to pursue my dreams, whatever they may be.

Just now I heard Stephanie Sun singing. Now I hear them cheering on for Reverend Mingyi. Not interested in watching at all. It's been really predictable these years; they want to break their record so they perform dangerous acts. Many of them can jolly well join a circus part-time. I really don't know why it has become like this over the years. Is beating a record so important? What happened to those performances like the late President Ong playing the piano and touching so many peoples' hearts? What I see now is very different. Just now, I saw the artistes and some children going around with boxes to collect money from the audience while Luo Jiaying was singing. I felt it's a tad forced. Oh well, I know it's for charity after all but I just feel that the meaning of charity has degenerated into something else. It's all about money.

You are Mark! You are naturally shy, but always
follow your heart. Make sure this Christmas you
tell that special someone that you view them as
perfect.


Which Love Actually Character Are You?
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A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.



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It's Saturday. A long weekend for me.

Had a crazy night over at the smp chalet for the camp debrief. Many crazy games, lots of talking and gossip and when the time came for us to part, I felt sad. Like last year.

V is no longer going to be with SMP for the next run. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Happy because he's going to do something else that will allow more room for self-growth. Sad because SMP will not be the same without him. He's the one whom we always looked to for advice and to learn from. Oh well.

Letting go. I wonder when I'll be able to do that more easily. I want to move on.

Am really very tired. Even after sleeping six hours, I still feel very tired. Will write later.

This is funny. An email I got from II:

---

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We
always hear the "rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules! Please note.......these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about
you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like a full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And, no we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything that we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like the soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like the Window default settings. Peach,
for example is a fruit, not a color. Pumkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing
is wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutley anything you want to wear is
fine......really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.....

Tonight, I watched "Mona Lisa Smile". Pretty good I would say, just that the ending was a little abrupt. I don't understand why SF hates Julia Roberts.

The other day when I watched "Under the Tuscan Sun", I had a person who had difficulty walking seated to my left and on the right, a person who mentioned to her friend that she wanted to vomit. When the movie started, the people in it looked half their height. The dimensions weren't right. Fortunately they adjusted it properly after a few minutes. Not a very good experience but the movie was not bad.

I also don't know why I'm talking about these.

There are some things I want to talk about but not in here of course. Tonight, I feel just a little troubled. You know, one of those times when you just feel all the little things come together and become one huge issue that you become overwhelmed.

There's work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that but at least it doesn't sicken me. Not to that extent. Just that I want to find something outside of work to do. After this friday's chalet and after Chinese New Year, it seems that there's nothing much to look forward to.

Need something to look forward to.

Bored me went to take a look at some long forgotten websites and tada! I started taking some tests from Emode.com. One I found particularly interesting:

Do you know Datespeak?......My results......
What You Say
The truth and nothing but the truth. You say what you mean. No mixed signals. You don't succumb to the typical game-playing that so often accompanies dating. In fact, you won't even humor the guy if you're not interested. And, if you're looking for reassurance, you'll ask for it. Altering your words to prevent an awkward situation doesn't make much sense to you. Say what you mean, right? Well, we commend you for your honesty and good intentions. Many people in the dating scene avoid speaking their mind and end up sending very ambiguous messages. That doesn't fly with you. Your words simply and clearly convey your thoughts. No ulterior motives. You know he can't read your mind, and you probably have no interest in waiting for him to pick up on your subtle cues. By doing this, you demand � and most definitely receive � a ton of respect from the guys you date. You're one up on the rest of the dating world. Congratulations, you've cracked the dating code

What you believe
You pretty much take what he says at face value. You don't search for too many hidden meanings in his words. Of course, there's a part of you that's aware that there could be underlying messages. But you'd rather give him the benefit of the doubt than dwell on disbelief. Although this trust reflects a great amount of respect for the guy you're with, it's probably a good thing to maintain some cynicism. It's common for people to say things they don't necessarily mean, or throw in a white lie or two to avoid an awkward situation. Until you know his intentions, it's smart to hold onto a healthy dose of skepticism. Much to your credit, however, it seems as if your first inclination is to trust his words, which reflects your open, honest nature. Good for you. Although he won't always speak his mind, your straightforward ways will make him more inclined to follow your lead and communicate directly. You'll be well on your way to cracking the datespeak code!


Test here

My results are based on what I think the person in the picture is saying. Have fun!

Last new year's eve, I was in a cab with Archie and Smelly if I remember correctly. I have forgotten why we were together on that night. What did we eat? I know we were in the Fullerton area. But I can't remember why we were in that area. Just remember that Smelly said something about organising an alumni thingy for our batch. That idea has come to naught. Has it?

It's been an eventful year. Here's my bit on the macro and micro of life in 2003.

1)SARS
2)Iraq War
3)Doing my last uni projects
4)Having my last exam papers
5)End of mentoring
6)Going to Ubin and getting chased by dogs
7)Working at my previous workplace everyday for about six months
8)Numerous failed interviews
9)Numerous applications sent out and looking out for recruit every Saturday
10)Cousin coming back to Singapore
11)All the outings with Great Escape camp crew (badminton, squash, arcade, food, cycling at east coast, Geylang, chalet)
12)All the outings with mentor group (new year, valentine's day, sentosa, Chek Jawa, Casuarina, Sungei Buloh, Bukit Timah Hill, chalet etc)
13)Going to zoo with mentee
14)Serving a Mediacorp artiste
15)Setting up and soft launch of SMP club
16)Outings of SMP club
17)Learning dialects but failed
18)Continuing Japanese self study but stopped
19)Graduation
20)Meeting new friends and making new enemies at work
21)Finding current job
22)Camp preparation and execution (MMS)
23)Falling sick during new year, during the six months of work at previous workplace and I can't remember. Fell sick a few times
24)Lots and lots of movies
25)Corrinne May's performance
26)Working my ass off on new year's eve.

So far this is what I can recall.

Happy New Year! May you have a blessed new year.